Credit: The Ink Brain – Click image for more photography.
It’s a frightening thought. Death. For me, especially, when I consider my child. Perhaps when you consider anyone you love being left behind to mourn you. Knowing that you caused them pain. You did it and you can’t take it back. You can’t say you’re sorry. I don’t want to place that kind of anguish on someone. I have felt the agony of loss and my heart grieves at the thought. Even more so when I envision my son.
I think about him at work, at the grocery store. Pushing buggies, unaware that something has happened to me. Something like death. I picture him sitting on that bench outside, trying to call me to let me know he’s off work, but I don’t answer. So he waits. Watching the headlights from cars pulling into the parking lot, wondering if it’s me. Wondering why I’m not there. Wondering if I forgot him.
I could never forget him.
And I think of him, sitting on that bench alone. Feeling sad or worried about me, and it makes my heart weep. I don’t want to leave like that. Without a goodbye. Without a kiss from his cheek to take with me.
I’ve been on the other side of that kind of leaving. The one where someone you love is stolen from you. No chance to say I love you, I’m sorry or…see you soon. That is the worst kind of goodbye. I know. I have said a lot of them.
Nice read. Made me think of my dad. I miss him terribly, but I had plenty of time to day goodbye. He lived with me for years, & then was on hospice care in my home his last months. We knew when he only had months. I watched him make his goodbyes… & wait… The waiting, the deteriorating…. It wasn’t easy. Hard on everyone, but, I think hardest on him… He told me once during that time that people who die unexpectedly were lucky…he thought death was easy for them… But harder on their loved ones than if there was time to say goodbye.
Personally, I don’t think there is ever an easy way to say goodbye… to let go of someone we love…
I still haven’t let go… & have no intention of doing so…
Samantha, first off…thank you for opening up and sharing with me. It brought tears to my eyes. You reminded me of my grandmothers last days in the hospital. I was in denial. We all were, but she knew she was leaving. She called for her son and stayed with us until he got there. He came in the room and prayed with her and she left a moment later. The pain never really leaves us. And letting go completely is impossible. We carry them with us and I believe we should, always. Out of respect for their life here and to keep their memory alive and to share them with people who didn’t know them. Thank you for letting me hear about your dad. He lives in your remembrance. ♥
xox Kellie
Poignantly and frighteningly beautiful, you captured what we all feel at times especially for our children.
Thank you, Mark. This was hard for me and a bit rambled…but that is how it spilled, as I felt it, as the thoughts struck me. I appreciate your comment. ♥
Kelmore some of us don’t subscribe to belief in death, “it doesn’t really happen!” The body we come to earth with is a fallible instrument with limited continuity-span. So why call it death, to induce overwhelming sadness, when it must – has to – happen? Storing up sadness and berievement for each and every day; well it happens everyday, doesn’t it. There’s no such thing as death, for those who know and love Righteousness & Truth: they are Father and Son.! Bye” HY.
I agree. There is more to us than flesh and bone and that place where we ‘feel’…the place we love and bond from…that goes on. I must believe that. ♥
damn good writing
This is such a touching write! We all worry about what we will leave behind us and whether our kids are ready to be on their own–I don’t know how I will leave my daughters
That is the scariest part for me. Leaving my son. Knowing he will feel that pain. It is torture if I allow myself to dwell on it.
Even if you do get to say goodbye, there’s nothing like it. I hear you. You just keep on saying goodbye: http://rlavalette.wordpress.com/2013/02/14/valentines-day-3/
This is so touching Kellie…I fear the same thing. My father was shaving and then he was gone….I so wish I could have said goodbye!
My uncle…who was more like my dad, he came over (he lived next door) and told me he was feeling sick and he was just going to lay down a while. He never woke back up. I wish I had hugged him or said I love you before he walked out that door! It haunts me so badly!
When it comes to children I think this is a normal anxiety especially when they are still dependent. The job of a parent and the instillment of your morals and lessons and ideals though are done and have been according to doctors since he turned five years old
– Peace and Safety be with you none the same. This is love
Thank you for your kind blessings. Same to you. ♥
I love this. I don’t know if it is real or not but it feels very real
It is real in the sense that it holds my fears and feelings about death and my heartache when I consider leaving my son unexpectedly. God forbid I not have the opportunity to say goodbye.
Thank you for reading, Terry. ♥